Self-Regulation

Every once in a while, I blog about child development.  It is one of my passions that I can never learn enough about.  Knowledge of child development does not equal perfect parenting.  Most of the time it doesn't even equal good parenting, but instead gives me the background to know all the things I mess up on day to day!! :)

Here are a few pieces of information to share today.  In today's world there is a HUGE push for school readiness.  No Child Left Behind, Common Enrollment, ALL kids ready to enter kindergarten with the tools to be successful.  YES it is important that we give our kids the foundation to succeed in an academic setting.  But is also just as important that kids are able to succeed socially and emotionally.  What does that mean? What does that look like?

Ask yourself a question.  How many people do you know that cannot read? Most likely not many or none.  Another question.  How many people do you know that cannot control their temper?  I bet you can name a few, right?!  The ability to control your emotions begins in early childhood and is called self regulation.

Even in infancy playing suspense games such as "I'm gonna getcha" and "Peekaboo" teach children how to regulate their emotions.  As they get older, parents should help identify the feeling for the child and validate that emotion.  "I know you're mad and that's okay".......from there we offer options of "safe ways" to be mad.  If they are throwing toys, give another choice like going outside and yelling.  Paying attention to how our children handle emotions are just as important as teaching ABCs.

What about handling my own emotions when the kids are out of control?!?  Let me tell you, my 1 year old is HARD.  I mean really hard.  From the time he was born, he struggled.  He was poked in the NICU for 7 days after birth (born a month early which probably disrupting his comfort in the womb).  Shortly after, he contracted RSV and struggled to breathe.  Then right back to hospital and poked again.  In his 14 1/2 month life he has been sick 75% of the time.  He has struggled.

Beyond his health, he is a hard kid.  His struggle in life has probably contributed to his high maintenance need for attention.  So many things have gotten in his way to safely explore the environment around him, therefore he is very particular on the way he wants his world to look.  This makes it hard for me as a parent to control my own emotion of frustration.  On most days, Ruddick cries more than he laughs.  Fortunately, I learned something new yesterday that has just been released in studies.  They way we respond to our kids in self proclaimed "distress" affects the brain!

Let me give a real life example taken from the Emory household.  Ruddick just threw himself on the floor for no reason and is now upset because he lightly touched his head on the rug.  He is crying loudly.  I, of course, pick him up and comfort him.  I am now holding him for the next 10 minutes trying to put him down every couple of minutes, but he kicks his legs and holds on to me tightly each unsuccessful try.  Well now I really have to go to the potty.  I'm going to have to put him down and listen to him cry.  As he cries I am constantly saying "Its okay", "Your okay", "I know, but your okay".  He doesn't respond and continues to get TICKED OFF.  Guess what happens....I get stressed and start saying "Ruddick....you.are.fine...It is O-KAY". Stress equals stress - parent to child.

New studies reveal that we should change our language.  Replace the natural tendency to say "It's okay" to "You Are Safe".  Much like we tell our kids when something is NOT safe, lets tell them when they ARE safe.  According to the studies, these words change the path of neurons in the brain. Interesting, right?  It also changes OUR stress level.  Say the phrase "You are Safe" a few times and try to say it in a more intense stressful type of voice.  It feels weird doesn't it?

So that is my challenge for myself and to whoever read this!! Try it out.....you are safe!